NaBloPoMo. It stands for National Blog Posting Month. It’s a challenge in the blog world to post every day in the month of November. I did it last year and it had me blogging through April or Mayish. And then I stopped. And I’ve missed it. Now it’s back and I am going to try it again. I think last time I posted all but three days. My hope is that this time I can make it all the way to November 2015.
Where have I been since Mayish?
I think I had a bout with depression and am just now starting to step out of it. It’s so hard sometimes to know that I am in down mode. It’s a mix of knowing and not knowing. To know that a walk or journaling or moving would make me feel better. Yet unable to motivate myself. Like lead weights keeping me pinned to the bed. To know that eating poorly will only make me feel worse but unable to avoid the Cheetos, the ice cream, the cookies. Telling myself it’s okay not to shower when you don’t leave the house. It’s okay that there are three baskets of laundry waiting. It’s okay that there’s no food in the house, we’ll go out. Better yet, we’ll order in. It’s okay to go to bed at 7:30.
Berating myself for feeling sorry for me when there are others out there that have so much less than me. Poor health issues. Family illness. Job loss. Knowing that prayer would pull me out of this but unable to let it go. As if somewhere in me I like this feeling and am nurturing it. Comforting it. Finding it a cozy bed and feeding it it’s favorite food. I have no doubt that God thinks I’m pretty awesome but I just can’t see it. Hesitant to bring it to God because I know He will forgive, He will make me feel better. I don’t go to Him because I don’t really want to feel better. I just want to sit in my muck for one more day. And one more day. And one more day.
The hardest part this last time were feelings of failure. Self abuse. My self talk can be negative even when I am not depressed. When I am already in a bad place it seems my mind pulls out all the stops. The brief moments of confidence that peak out are quickly shot down with the ammunition I’ve stored over the years. Negativity that has been a constant companion is waiting in the sidelines. Drooling in anticipation of the next weak moment. Sensing my frail state a full on attack ensues. And wins. Taking all moments of confidence as hostages.
It’s been quite a battle.
I come out of these things shell shocked. Battle scarred and sensitive to everything. Old wounds are easily reopened. Fortunately, the pain is less and it doesn’t force me to go back to bed. To hide behind the computer. To park the car in Jewel and stuff those feelings down with pistachio muffins. To cry in the shower-daily. But the memory of where I was is still so close it scares me. I can see clearly these thoughts have no factual basis. I can move through them. I have hope that these thoughts will soon lose their hold of me. I see that God doesn’t make crap. I can say “I am not crap.” And I can sort of believe it.
As I pondered whether to blog or not I was filled with fear. There are sooooo many other bloggers out there that have deeper thoughts than me. Bloggers that have a purpose. Food blogs. Craft blogs. Family blogs. Bloggers that write with more eloquence. This overwhelms me. So I try and narrow down my wishes of what to include, of how to organize, of which direction to go. This overwhelms me even more. Eventually I am so overwhelmed that I don’t go in any direction. Back in my muck. Stagnant. In prayer the answer comes to me. Just do it. Don’t question what gets typed.
Just do it.
Here I am just doing it. I’ve started out with such an uplifting post I bet you can’t wait to see what else I have up my sleeve!
There’s a woman in church that I have admired from afar. A woman I have wanted to get to know better. Others have even said to me “Oh you and (no names please!) would get along great. You guys are so similar” I have finally gotten a little closer to her. She is all that I hoped she would be. Funny, wise, honest, vulnerable, awesome. She has a saying, “To say hello to me is to know me.” That is where we are similar. I tend to over share. I sometimes cringe at what I’ve just said because it may have been too intimate. But yes, I share what’s going on in my head. I share my family stories. I share my struggles. I share my successes. I share my birthday countdown. I share stories about me…still growing after all these years.
I share, therefore I am.
Please come back and see what I share tomorrow…I’m usually much funnier than this.
Make a great day people.