Does This Still Work?

Gosh, I think it’s been two years since I’ve been here. ūüė¶

Do you know how many of my posts on this blog are about the fact that I haven’t blogged in so long? Too many.

I am a non-sticktoitive kind of girl. Aspirations abound. Visions of sugar plums…no, visions of great success dance in my head. But the dancing stops. Projects and blogs are left untouched for days, weeks, months, years.

“I will post all the projects I want to get done on the blog and track my progress!” I will use the blog as a journal to get my life going again. But then I become overwhelmed. My busy life takes precedence over all else. But you know what? I don’t have a busy life.

Up until a week ago I only worked part time. Which would leave plenty of time for productivity or blogging or finishing projects or cleaning the house. Or playing Runescape. Which is a game for adolescent teenage boys. A game I love. A game that I have set a timer for. A timer that will let me know that it is time to harvest, or check my ships, or cap at the citadel.

It’s a time sucker, worse than Facebook. But I love it. I can get lost there. It’s a time waster. But I have no desire to do anything else. It allows me to get lost.

Get lost? From what? I have a very nice life. I do not have problems of great size. I no longer have kids to take care of, I can pay my bills, I go on lovely vacations. I have no debt to speak of. My health is great. My marriage is great.

And yet…I waste time. I am not productive. I abuse myself for this.

My husband recently had a big surgery, rotator cuff. With it comes immobility and pain. Physically the recovery has been better than he expected but mentally it’s wearing him down. My perpetual pumpkin of happiness. My personal bringer up of ¬†gloomies is fighting the fight.

We were discussing depression yesterday. There is no definitive thing¬†that causes it, it just is. I think I have been battling it something fierce the last few years. Lack of desire for anything. No motivation. I can’t care about anything. ¬†Proof that it has been going on for years? The birthday countdown. The birthday countdown brought me so much joy and yet I have been unable to muster the energy to do it. I love the birthday countdown and even that can’t pull me up.

Do you ever sit at the beach? The ocean beach, with a tide? Do you ever see something floating on the top of the water, seaweed or whatever it is? And it comes in towards the shore and is then washed away. In for a foot, out for a foot. In. Out. Constantly moving, floating but never really getting anywhere. That is what depression is like.

So many of you will say “Gosh, but you’re still so funny.” ¬†“But you get up everyday.” “You laugh.” So many will say, “I never would have guessed.” Because, like the little floating seaweed. I can keep moving and give the impression of going somewhere, doing something. But I am simply moving with the ebb and flow of life. Not really going anywhere.

I am not interacting with life. I am letting life move me rather than the other way around.

I need to journal it out.

Does this still work? The blog. The blogging. Do I still have the ability to do something?

Does this still work?

It has to. I am going to be double nickels this year. (So frightening that I can’t label it with the real number.) I don’t want to slide my way into the next decade of my life. I want to take giant strides towards it, arriving with a flourish, with stories to tell, with memories to take me on the the next decade. I want to arrive at 60 with a bang and fireworks and happiness and joy.

And an awesome outfit.

 

 

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Heidi Nichols
    Jul 25, 2017 @ 12:59:36

    I’ve been waiting and waiting for a post to this blog!!! Yay, Teri! Bravo for having courage to begin again.

    Reply

  2. Judy Nelson
    Jul 26, 2017 @ 09:36:21

    So good to see you writing again. I has been a long time and it is something that you so enjoy doing. I have always loved what you have to say.

    Reply

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